My therapist gave me homework. Unfortunately, I can't do it.
On Thanksgiving Day, my children will be with me. Friday, Saturday, and Sunday following, they will be with their dad. On that Saturday, my kids will join the boisterous family celebration complete with baked ham, sweet potato casserole, veggies, rolls, and a variety of desserts including but not limited to my former mother-in-law's caramel cake. Take one bite and you die a delicious death. Perfection.
So, the point here is I will be alone on Saturday, November 30th. Lots of people are alone during the holidays, but my therapist is opposed to my being by myself that day. Why? Because she knows me. She knows I will try so damned hard to be cheerful, to keep going, to avoid languishing in bed under a pile of covers with my dog at my feet. She knows I will try. She also knows my trying might not be enough.
Why? Because I know his girlfriend will sit at my place at the table. I know her children will sit beside my children, and they will have a grand time. Without me. My therapist told me to find someone to spend time with on that Saturday. Lunch with a friend. Movie night. Dinner and a movie while tucked cozily on my couch. Anything besides the way it will actually be. Me on the couch watching Sherlock, Loki, and Edward Cullen. Me eating too many Cheerios. Me. God, I sound so horribly narcissistic.
Trouble is, my best friend will be at the beach. My other close friend will be visiting her husband's family down south. My other dear friend lives eight hours away. My own family? Don't get me started. Trust me, it's not pretty.
I do not wish to disappoint my therapist, but this is where I am. I don't have a passel of friends and acquaintances. I make a handful of close friends and love them with all my heart.
My therapist may be worried about a repeat of October 6, 2012. My attempt to end my life failed but the 200 pills took days to exit my system even when spurred on by bag after bag of fluids.
I guess I could go somewhere. Be among people. A crowded mall. A full movie theater. Would that count? Ugh, but it will be the weekend after Thanksgiving. The crowds...*shudders*
Maybe I will go out of town. Birmingham has a lovely museum. I wonder if they will be open.
If staying alone is the problem, then perhaps traveling, albeit alone, is the solution.
What do you think? Is a museum trip just the medicine the doctor ordered?