Monday, November 18, 2013

Tears and Longings

I have been crying going on ten hours now. This morning, I discovered my ex-husband had seamlessly transferred our twenty-year-old dream of going to England and Scotland to his new love. They have a "list" now of the places they want to go. I stumbled upon this bit of information by my own curiosity. Stupid, stupid me.

I long to wander the moors of Scotland. I long to sit at an outdoor cafe in London. I long to visit and pay homage at Jane Austen's grave. I long to spend the night (or ten!) in a Scottish castle.

I long to be no longer alone. After two and a half years of separation and now a divorce, I have had plenty of time to contemplate my mistakes and to try to heal. Am I healed? No. Will I ever be? I don't know. All I know is I miss mattering to someone.

I long to be at peace with God. Raised in a Baptist home--I won't call it Christian, because no follower of Christ would do what my parents did to  me and my brother and sister--I was taught there was but one way to God. I was taught to fear Hell. I accepted Christ at age eight out of abject fear for my eternal life. This is not what God wished for me. I know that now.

I love God. Not the bearded old white man in the sky who terrified me as a child. But a God who truly IS love, a God who is in everything and everyone, a God who is in the seen and the unseen. I can appreciate the kindness and love of Jesus, but he feels a bit out of my reach, to be honest. I feel closer to the Energy which I envision as God...golden, sparkling, warm, loving, comforting, everywhere.

I love gazing at paintings and figurines portraying Ganesh, Saraswati, Kali, Athena, Aphrodite, Persephone, and Nyx. I feel love flowing from them. I feel acceptance. Do I worship them? No. Do I talk to them? Yes.

Maybe I am strange. Maybe I am crazy. Maybe I should stop worrying about being odd and start focusing on what fills my deep longing for God.

Longing fills me, and the feelings this emotion evokes are emptiness and fear. Fear I will never know anything different. Fear I will always be searching. Hoping. Questing. Seeking.

Tears continue to stream down my cheeks, and longing grips my heart. I don't know what to do, but I'm going to simply sit. Be still. Be quiet. Maybe an answer will come.


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